In Which River Song is God
by VampireApple
Summary: River Song appears on the TARDIS to fix the ending of Season 4. Crack!fic


AN: This came out longer then I intended… but I like it. The ending of season four really, really pissed me off. So I turn to fanfiction to make everything right. Hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who

"Do you know what's happening?"

"Yeah."

"There's never been a human-time lord meta crisis before now. And you know why."

"Because there can't be. I want to stay."

"Donna, look at me."

"I was going to be with you. Forever."

"I know."

"Rest of my life. Traveling. In the TARDIS. The DoctorDonna. I can't go back. Don't make me go back. Doctor. Please. Please, don't make me go back."

"Donna. Oh, Donna Noble, I am so sorry. But we had the best of times. Best of times. Goodbye."

"And you can just stop right there, Doctor!" a new voice said.

The Doctor and Donna turned to look at the right. "River?"

"Yes darlings. I am here to make everything better. By the power invested in me by the great Steven Moffat I shall now fix everything Russell T. Davies broke."

"What?" Donna said at the same time the Doctor asked "Who?"

"Look, sweetie," River said as she walked over and patted the Doctor on the cheek. "You're not thinking clearly. The human Doctor has mostly the same make-up as the DoctorDonna, she's just in a little rougher shape."

River removed the Doctor's hands from Donna face, wrapped and arm about her, and walked her about the TARDIS. "See, Donna here is a very special lady. Why, she single handily saved the whole universe, and a couple alternate realities. And what was Russell T. Davies going to do to her? Thoroughly screw her over. Well, I simply don't agree with it, not to mention all the fans."

"River, what are you talking about?" Donna asked, afraid to hope.

"I'm going to make everything better for you, Donna Noble."

"How though?" the Doctor asked.

"Ah, so glad you asked sweetie." River song snapped her fingers. The Human Doctor appeared right next to the Doctor. Elsewhere, Rose screamed, but no one cared.

"Oh, brilliant. That place was horrible." He looked around. "Why am I back here? Why are you here, River?"

"Human Doctor, you and DoctorDonna are going to travel, in your very own TARDIS!" River said gleefully. She snapped her fingers and a purple phone booth with heavily tinted windows appeared.

"It's not as good as my police box," the Doctor felt compelled to point out. "Wait, where did you get another TARDIS?"

"Steven Moffat."

"_Who_ is that?"

"Wait, I'm sorry," Donna interrupted "but he and I" she motioned to the Human Doctor "Are going on our own adventures, on our own TARDIS?"

"Yes."

"I'm in," the Human Doctor said. He went in the phone booth.

"But, what about the meta-crisis? I don't want Donna's head to explode," the Doctor said.

"Yeah, I don't want that to happen either!" Donna exclaimed.

"Don't worry, all you have to do is put energy into the heart of your TARDIS, Donna, and you'll be fine."

Donna and the Doctor looked at each other. "Will that even work?"

"Makes about much sense as anything else in the show," River shrugged.

"Brilliant! Oh, how I love you River Song!" Donna hugged her, then hugged the Doctor. "I'll meet up with both of you soon, but for now, adventures wait!" She went into the phone booth. A few seconds later it disappeared.

River turned back to the Doctor. "Now, Doctor, I have to deal with you."

"Deal with me how?"

"The next couple of specials are quite awful. Except for helping a poor man find his memory, you go about whining about not wanting to die. You don't die, you regenerate, and as you've done nine times already! So, I'm going to make you regenerate now…"

"Wait, you can't!"

River waited a few moments. "Now, you're going to the 1900's to help a man regain his memory. Then you're going crash land in the yard of a lonely Scottish girl. I'll have DoctorDonna and the Human Doctor handle the Master when she goes to visit her granddad again. As for the people on Mars, shame on you Doctor, for messing around in time."

The newly regenerated Doctor stared at River. "What?"

"Actually, that plan doesn't work. Okay, lets try this." River snapped her fingers and the TARDIS erupted into flames.

"Why would you do-" the Doctor coughed as gold sparks flew out of his mouth.

"Go to these coordinates Doctor!" River set a piece of paper down on the control panel. "Once you've fixed everything there, go here and help that poor man with memory loss. Toodles!"

"Well… might as well try it." The Doctor went to the control panel and put in the coordinates.

This sounded like it was going to be fun. Now, if only he could put out those fires…


End file.
